Scraps & Pieces

My Story

2010-05-11T21:30:00.001-07:00

How do I express
The pain
When it’s hopeless
You ask me how I feel
“I’m fine”
To tell the truth
Could it help anyway?
What would you do,
If you only knew:

Every blink is a tear
Every smile is a wish
I hope the pain will disappear
So when I feel fine
I’m surviving

I can eat without pain
And run free
Dream of a future
With a family
The changes in my life
Have brought me hope
So now you know:

Every hurt is for others
Every cry is because I feel great
So when I feel good
I’m living!

The reality has changed
Ignorance is not bliss
Hope is for everyone
I choose wellness

Missing You

2010-04-07T01:19:00.001-07:00

I wanna go
To that place we used to be
Best friends caring
About boys, work & parties

This space between us
Hurts like hell
Why did we let it get this far
I wish you well

I ask how your doing
I hear it's all fine
Hoping that that I'd hear
You miss me all the time

I stay away
cuz maybe it's just done
But the pain, regret & hurt
Won't let me move on

I wanna make this right
I wanna turn back time
But even writing this
I know we'll go living this lie

Like everything is ok
But I miss you
that void is not filled
I just miss you

The Fight

2010-01-29T18:44:00.001-08:00

sometimes I want to quit
and not care anymore
this battle inside me
is breaking my core

to carry on everyday
like nothing is wrong
trying to forget
and still stay strong

then in one minute
my world can shatter
someone dies and I act
like nothings the matter

alone in my bed
I lay down to cry
wondering why it's not me
why did they die

forgetting is easier
then living in pain
when I can't understand
something I can't explain

but still I fight
for the ones I love
I can't give up
they help me rise above

the fear I feel
it goes away
as I think of them
then I'm ok

I Don't Want To Be Weak

2010-01-29T18:42:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be weak
but all put together
I just want to be strong
nothing like a flower

beautiful for a time
then thrown away
I need to feel strong
not half ok

but lying here sick
I'm losing control
of emotions I lock up
and pretend I don't know

Healthcare

2010-01-29T18:41:00.000-08:00

they tell me to shut up
they say it's illegal
to share my story
to tell the truth.

they poison the sick,
kill the innocent
all for the money
and ulterior motives.

my experience baffles their theories
threatens their way of life,
but it doesn't change the way they think
it doesn't change the way they act.

so ignore the needless pain you cause everyday
and keep killing the ones you have sworn to not harm,
so supplements can't CURE and drugs can?
then why doesn't it work out just like you planned.

water for dehydration
vitamin C for scurvy
so arrest me for what I just wrote
because it's illegal, right?

it's still the truth
and no matter what you do
for the people who think for themselves
your plans will fail

Please Don't Go

2010-01-29T18:40:00.000-08:00

it hurts
going to bed without you
being kissed good-bye
and told I love you

walking through doors
opened for me
and letting you pay
for the movie

holding your hand
driving down Main
all of this time
thinking

why you have to leave
cant you stay for night
please dont go
I just want to hold you tight

I dont want this night to end
I want my fairy tale
me with my prince
walking down the isle

so every night
we'd be together
and that would be
my happily-ever-after

War

2010-01-29T18:39:00.000-08:00

in the days ahead
I see a storm
one that wont change it's course
and that I cant out run

how long can I fight
knowing the out come is fetal
do I turn a blind eye
and pretend life is normal

the winds at my back
the signs all here
will I lose the one I love
should I give into this fear

to die fighting
a martyr for this cause
or will I be a hero
to win what seemed lost

whether storm, battle or death
a victim, champion or corpse
faith, hope and love
will be my force

so bring it on
begin this war!

From Where I Stand

2010-01-29T18:37:00.000-08:00

Am I strong enough for this
Or is fear over clouding
Desperate with no hope
Why am I hiding

They fight hard
They fight pure
I live isolated
Knowing there's a cure

The wall between
Built by mistrust and ignorance
I'm not silent
But am I making a difference

I beg God for a chance
For the others who are hurting
Why was it me
Why is this guilt not leaving

I say what I can
I do what they let
I hope it's enough
For someone to get

This responsibility
I've put on myself
Weighed down with heartache
No smile, joy or laugh

That's why it's easier to forget,
To pretend I'm an island
Because if I am
Then you won't have to understand

Understand that they are wrong
That they don't know it all
But you're just a puppet
It doesn't matter when you fall

The hope of a cure
They dangle within reach
You give them your all
Not knowing they're a leach

Once you've given all you can
They leave you to die
Your pain remembered
But dead you lie

I sit here and ask
How I can change this tragidy
Change the status quo
When you give in willingly

No poem can change the truth
But maybe open some doors
All I can do is all I can do
My pain will be because of yours

Questions

2010-01-29T18:34:00.000-08:00

I feel the pain
but I don't know why
my heart is breaking
and I want to cry

why do I feel
like my world fell apart?
that an arrow
has gone through my heart?

why does it hurt
every time I breath?
I hate it,
this thing called grief.

as I lay in bed at night
the memories come
when did the pain
begin to numb

am I forgetting?
all those years we had together
how could I?
this was supposed to last forever.

is this life?
a mere mess of all my dreams
what is hope?
belief in a God that can't be seen?

or is this
a process of healing
that gives me strength
to get up each morning

some people say
true love lasts forever
I say
only God and his power

the hope he gives
when things fail us
the peace renewed
when we're restless

God gave me a loan
the time we had together
then called you home
to be with him forever

it may seem
I fear
that God
does not care

but the truth is
that love most times is blind
in the end
it will be all fine

and maybe, it is I
that do not care
because in heaven
my loved one is there

so until
we meet again
I love and miss you
my dear friend.